tribute

so i have to give a 20 minute tribute to my mom at my grief group on tuesday (9/1). i don't want to do it at all. what i want to do is pick something up crash it to the floor and storm out in protest. but alas as an "adult" that kind of behavior is deemed unseemly and thus i feel constrained by dictates to not follow my desires.

anyway. my mom wrote each of us kids (there are four of us) journals because she was poor in health and didn't know if she would be allowed to see us grown. the first entry of mine is actually written 8 days before i was born. i didn't get it until after she died, i've read through some of it but haven't been able to get through all of it. all this to say, as i was browsing through it today i found this poem..

To my four children               March 23, 1984 (which is my parent's wedding anniversary)

Life

Child 

You were not born to feel sorrow 

for a mother not whole of body--

My spirit is whole, and overflows with love.

I cannot mourn for myself,

for I was born with purpose.

I morn for you, 

for the pain you must suffer, 

in my behalf.

I feel mortal weekness, fear, and pain.

but it's you,

you, fill my every thought.

My hope in life,

to be a mother,

has been granted, and more,

for I gave birth to you,

and I've been blessed,

in knowing you.

My eyes fill with tears, 

as I plead for life,

No mother could love more deeply--

My pleas grow stronger,

though I know this pain won't last.

Yet, I plead to raise you to maturity.

Life beyond will be more splendid.

We've talked of streets paved in gold, 

and being together eternally,

but this life holds beauty, too,

for in this life

I gave birth to you.

--Judi Jordan

Happy Birthday Mom.

i have been taking pictures

some of my favorites

A Year: Judi Barlow Jordan

senior portrait 1963

wedding day March 22, 1968

Birthday: August 27, 2005

(not much happened between 1968 & 2005...at least not digitally)

When I was younger my mom would make fudge Easter eggs for friends, neighbors and us. Everything hand made. Everything decorated by hand. In 2006 I made her make them with me. These are probably some of the last images I have of her because the MS was really starting to physically change her appearance. Every time I was home I'd take pictures of her but to be honest they weren't very flattering and thus got deleted. Even though she would kill me for posting these, I can't not because all I see now is an extremely beautiful woman whom I miss terribly.

think her eyes are amazing in this picture. I could stare at them all day.

Finished product.

Mom and me.

folk

I love folk music. This album is extremely enjoyable. It's a live recording, if I would have been there in person I would have been transfixed. Listen to the whole album for free here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111966379 ...This is not a request.

thoughts

1) Amy and Mike are the best.


2) While driving home from Moorpark tonight I noticed all of the skid marks on the 405. Each of these skid marks has a story...what are they? Most of them have a similar beginning, an uttered "OH SHIT!" but I'm curious where it went from there. These aren't just inconsequential doodles drawn out of boredom they are marks of the fragile state of the human existence. For some it's a mark of "phew that was close." For others it's of deep gratitude for the opportunity to live another day. For others it's a mark of deep tragedy. For some it is the last physical mark they created in this life...






3) Then I got home and ate a banana (thanks jenni). I love bananas. What I love more are banana splits. There used to be a restaurant in Visalia called the Velvet Creamery. The name always has and always will make my mouth water. Such a delicious name. I have fond memories of it being the height of a Visalia summer, 115 degrees outside, me inside the Velvet Creamery nursing a banana split and shivering while I did so. I've always tended to get cold while I eat or drink cold things.

There was also one time when a bunch of ladies came to clean our home and my dad snuck me out of the house to get a banana split at Fosters Freeze. That was a good night.
Those are my thoughts for these evening. Completely random? Yes. That's how my mind works so get used to it. Now I'm off to fall asleep watching Clueless.

moon

I love the moon. It's so beautiful and for me always a reminder of the existence of God.

This is a beautiful picture but...


Not as beautiful as the one I took tonight. :) Look close you can see the craters. No? Maybe with a magnifying glass? Or you're just blind and dumb & there is no use in trying.