tribute

so i have to give a 20 minute tribute to my mom at my grief group on tuesday (9/1). i don't want to do it at all. what i want to do is pick something up crash it to the floor and storm out in protest. but alas as an "adult" that kind of behavior is deemed unseemly and thus i feel constrained by dictates to not follow my desires.

anyway. my mom wrote each of us kids (there are four of us) journals because she was poor in health and didn't know if she would be allowed to see us grown. the first entry of mine is actually written 8 days before i was born. i didn't get it until after she died, i've read through some of it but haven't been able to get through all of it. all this to say, as i was browsing through it today i found this poem..

To my four children               March 23, 1984 (which is my parent's wedding anniversary)

Life

Child 

You were not born to feel sorrow 

for a mother not whole of body--

My spirit is whole, and overflows with love.

I cannot mourn for myself,

for I was born with purpose.

I morn for you, 

for the pain you must suffer, 

in my behalf.

I feel mortal weekness, fear, and pain.

but it's you,

you, fill my every thought.

My hope in life,

to be a mother,

has been granted, and more,

for I gave birth to you,

and I've been blessed,

in knowing you.

My eyes fill with tears, 

as I plead for life,

No mother could love more deeply--

My pleas grow stronger,

though I know this pain won't last.

Yet, I plead to raise you to maturity.

Life beyond will be more splendid.

We've talked of streets paved in gold, 

and being together eternally,

but this life holds beauty, too,

for in this life

I gave birth to you.

--Judi Jordan