Saturday, June 13, 2009

gaping hole

When I was younger and my siblings would come home from college for the weekend/breaks/holidays I would get so excited. On the flip side when they left I would start bawling. No matter how much I tried to stop it I couldn't. I have a hard time saying goodbyes.

Most of you know that both of my parents have passed away and it feels like there is a big gaping hole in my heart and in my life. Losing both of them is something I anticipated for quite some time and tried my best to prepare for it but I never thought it would be this hard.

I've always been a fan of time, no matter what you do it just keeps on going. That aspect of time always brought me such relief and comfort. No longer do I feel this way. Time has become an enemy. The more time passes the more people I lose and the more time continues to pass the more people I'm going to lose. This bit of reality makes everything in me want to shut down. Oh but good ol' Father Time doesn't stop there not only does he steal people but he steals your memories. I realized this week that I don't remember what my dad's laugh sounds like. How can I not remember such an integral part of him? I feel like I'm betraying him.

How could they both be gone? I don't understand it. I can't comprehend it. I look at pictures of them and I am just baffled. It's so confusing to look at pictures of people who lived on this Earth, who created lives and a family and then they are just gone. You can't call them on the phone, you can't ask them for advice or seek comfort from them, you don't have a home to go to. When you wonder where a certain picture, artifact, book etc is and realize it's probably at your parent's house but you can't go and get it because everything's been cleared out. If I or my siblings aren't in possession of it then it's gone forever because everything else has been thrown away. How can two people's lives disappear so quickly?

I was going to attach a picture but don't know what happened to the one digitized photo I had of them.


Laura said...

Time also makes the pain less intense. And, although, you're certainly right that as time passes on we inevitably lose people who are close to us, with time we also gain new people to love.

My experience with memories of those I love who have passed is that, randomly, memories of little things about them will pop up, like unexpected little gifts. Your dad's laugh isn't gone forever.

I love you, Tiff. Hang in there.

rachel thurston said...

right after my first marriage ended, there came a moment when I realized I was forgetting "important" dates. I had forgotten our first date anniversary. I had forgotten the date of the last time we kissed. The guilt and loss of forgetting was overwhelming. I remember how you feel.

I heard once on the doctor laura show, something along the lines of, "time doesn't ever heal's what you DO with that time that decides whether you heal. some people live a lifetime holding grudges, while others don't."

I think about that sometimes and it comforts me knowing I do have choices even in the face of circumstances I could not control.

there is nothing worse in the universe than losing someone you love..BUT try to remember, it's only temporary. and on the days when it's too painful to remember anything me and we can watch a depressing movie together.

you're not alone.


Alysha said...

Hey there, I am so sorry. I wish I had a better understanding of why some people are asked to bear so much. I cannot even begin to comprehend how you feel, and when i try to imagine life without my mom, I feel sick to my stomach. I love you and I know that they love you and are still watching out for you and I am available any time you want to talk. I also have some pretty convincing stories of how parents can cause a lot of pain in your life, if that will make you feel any better.

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