Monday, December 14, 2009

a december to remember

1. A Car With A Bow.
You know those annoying Lexus commercials intended for rich people who don't care about looking rich, even in today's economy? The ads that depict people walking out to their driveways Christmas morning, only to see a brand new Lexus all wrapped up in a pretty bow?

Why should the fact that you can't afford a Lexus -- or any car, for that matter -- prevent you from giving one as a gift? Besides, nothing signifies the act of giving more than sticking a bow on something, anything. So this Christmas, head out onto your street or into your neighborhood in the middle of the night and wrap whatever car you wish you could give in a giant red bow. Why stop at one? Wrap five cars, or all of them! Then, in the morning, march your robe-clad loved one out there and surprise him or her with the gift of momentary, fleeting, unobtainable luxury. Take a picture, because that's the one thing they can keep (aside from the bow, of course).
this sounds like the best christmas ever.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

an education: new moon sucks this doesn't

i just got out of seeing this movie with my friend emily. it is FANTASTIC. we couldn't stop talking about it. the most fascinating thing is that on the face of it it's completely predictable but we were left guessing the whole time. the character arc is phenomenal! the emotional wave it takes you through is mind blowing. i'm still trying to figure one of the characters out and my mind is loving the challenge. oh gosh, i desperately want to explain the beauty of this film but i lack the critiquing skills and writing ability. all i can say is that it is a finely crafted film and it's left me feeling enthused more than any movie has in a long time. GO SEE IT!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


If the world really did implode in 2012 and you were in charge of determining what got destroyed, what would you destroy?

I would destroy:

1) Fox News
2) All the cars in LA except my car and my friend's cars because driving people around everywhere would get really annoying. Since we would be the only ones with cars we would all quit our jobs and start a cab company, all the roads are still intact. We would be wildly successful but a few years down the road everything would fall apart because of all the infighting. Eventually a Lifetime movie would be made and Renee would be happy.
3) Luxembourg

Friday, November 20, 2009

things that F-word-ING piss me off.

  1. dick cheney: his parents really did a great job at naming him correctly. 
  2. idiots who expound on how we could have won vietnam, making the implication that us losing the war is what made it wrong; as long as you win a war you are in the right, right? F-word NO. idiots. we should have never been there in the first place, win lose it doesn't matter if you are sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. the creation of a north and south vietnam would have been great though, just like in korea because that's working out rather swimmingly. Here is a great article by Senator John Kerry:
  3. people who complain about unfair taxation and applaud the 32% raise in tuition at UCs when they went to byu. pot. kettle.  i'm going to be calling you and asking for a portion of my tithing back. 
  4. everything about the executor of my parent's "estate". you know how it's commonly stated that in english the word "love" isn't adequate for expressing the true depth and breadth of that emotion? i feel the same thing about hate when it comes to this man.
  5. getting two pieces of mail: one being the i want to stab you inducing "closing the estate letter" the other from Smart Cremation. i will reprint for you the first paragraph of the letter.
                        Dear Ms. Jordan,
                        As difficult as it is, sometimes we owe it to ourselves and to those we love to face the truth.                                   Dying is part of life. Death, is what makes our lives so precious, exquisite and magnificent.

really?! f-word you. happy friday!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

an interaction

i was at a health fair at the va in long beach today. i had a lot of interesting interactions. below you will find some excerpts.

1st situation:

two security guards (both young men) insist on bringing me a slice of carrot cake. i take one bite, it's not very good so i don't eat any more. they walk by again and start giving me a hard time for not eating it. they walk away one comes back.

security guard: "yeah when ever people offer me cake i try to say no because you know it's just not good for you. i've really noticed the effects that stuff has on me too. last night i ran 1.5 miles and man towards the end of it could really see the impact of that stuff [sweets] because it gets rough and i want to die."

me: (in my thoughts) pfftt 1.5 miles. i ran 3.5 miles yesterday, so don't try to impress me with your 1.5 miles.

the security guards walk away and the woman at the table across from me, the same table that was serving the cake, says "those two [the security guards] are always together and they think they are the shit."

second situation

a 65 year old african american man wearing an olive colored polyester suite and a gold chain sees me throwing my mostly uneaten cake away.

man: "why aren't you eatin' that cake? watchin' your figure?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "someone has to."
man: "it looks good to me."
me: "well i want to keep it that way."
man: "are there other people watchin' your figure?"
me: give no response. the man continues to stand next to my chair, neither of us saying anything.
man: "what's your name?"
me: "tiffany. what's your name?"
man: "008"
me: "why is that your nickname?"
man: no answer
me: "is it because you are slightly better than 007?"
man: "you single?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "i haven't found him yet."
man:  gives me a look like that says men are crazy because i haven't been scooped me up yet."i need to give them my glasses."
me: "yes. you should sell them."
man: "a heisman. they don't recognize a heisman when they see one."
me: "nope"
man: "i know a heisman when i see one. you're beautiful. you're a beautiful woman. you don't know how beautiful you are."
me: "thank you"
man: "i don't even have those glasses and i see that."
me: no response and lots of me awkwardly looking away and trying to start conversations with other people. then a list of questions get thrown at me.
man: "you work out? How often?"
        "where you live?"
        "you work here [at the va]?"
        "when did you graduate ucla?"
        "what was your major?"
me: "history"
man: "tell me something about my history?"
me: " worked for the city."
man: looks slightly surprised. "did i tell you that?"
me: "nope" but he did.
man: "can i call you some time?" he starts to take out his phone.
me: "no"
man: "will you call me sometime?"
me: "no"
man: "so i can't call you & you wont call me?"
me: "no"
man: "you are a heart breaker." (this comment comes from a previous conversation between us in which i told him i was a heart breaker.) "why you gotta break my heart? I just put it back together a few months ago & now you are breaking it again."
me: (trying desperately not to say sorry because there is no reason for me to.) finally i say, "didn't intend to."

man has to leave for an appointment. i say "nice talking with you." and shake his hand. MISTAKE. he grabs it, holds tight and caresses it with his thumb.

yes that's right the brothers love me. which once again is why i thought the man in detroit was hitting on me instead of threatening to kill me.

can i get married now.

Monday, November 9, 2009

can you tell me how to get...

On November 10th Sesame Street will begin their 40th season. Sesame I haven't watched you in awhile but if you are still this cool keep it up because this is EXACTLY the kind of education I want my kids to have. For your betterment, watch the kid at 0:38 and 4:11.

Monday, November 2, 2009


i just signed up for what seems to be an extremely cool volunteer opportunity and i think you should join too. It's called In2Books Basically it's a pen pal/book club between you and a student in elementary school.

you are matched up with a child who is either in the 3rd, 4th or 5th grade you both read the same books, picked by the child, through out the school year and then  you write letters to each other about them. seriously could this opportunity be any cooler? i love to read. i love kids. i love being worshiped or a role model, whatever you want to call it.

SIGN UP NOW! they are taking applications throughout the month of november.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

trying hard

where do i begin?!!! so i began this post with the intention of demonstrating how horrible i am at trying hard, with a humorous slant of course. then i thought, "isn't there a quote about trying hard and being successful?" so i googled "the harder you try" and guess what had for me, "Why is it the harder you try the more it seems you fail?" as a resolved question nonetheless. who knew yahoo had the answers to my life!

this was the answer picked by the asker, "There's such a thing as trying too hard. Once that point is reached, the extra pressure you put on yourself begins to negatively affect your performance. It's a mental thing more than anything else..."


i liked this answer by insanity better "because the harder you try the harder the goal is. you judge how big the goal is then try as hard and do as little as necessary to achieve that goal. if you try extremely hard at somehting easy like making cereal you wouldnt fail. but since we try hard at things that we see as tough like maybe acing our finals sometimes it is just out of our reach. its not that every time you try hard you fail, its that every time there is a tough goal to accomplish you try hard and sometimes it is out of reach. so if you try hard and you fail it is the goal that makes you fail."

thank you insanity. thank you.

now that we are all armed with these two spectacular answers let's get back to me. i too fail when i try really hard. for example, back in august my sister rahne came to visit. i don't know her very well and she is my big sis so i want her to like me.

my goal: impress her

action taken: tell her my roommate was black and that i say funny racists jokes to her all the time. this was all done within less than 10 minutes of her arrival. we were in fact still bringing in their luggage from the car.


i also took a picture of a bowl-legged man while we were on a hike.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

the www is my downfall

you ever have something really funny to say, so funny that you've even planned your blog post about it? that was me this morning towards the end of my 13 hour plane ride. i couldn't wait to get home and rip this blog out but the www refused to work for HOURS! torturous, i know.

i now realize that the majority of the humor was based off of the delirium of a long plane ride, sitting in the last row of the plane next to the bathrooms (lesson learned: always travel with personal sachet of potpourri. vicks vapor rub might actually be better, those fume forced eye closures might at least induce sleep.), watching 6 moives and not one minute of sleep. to sum up, i was cranky as hell. the woman two rows in front of me and her choice of head adornment almost pushed me over the edge.

in case you can't tell those are koala ears, which she wore throughout the plane ride and prior to boarding, who knows how long she had them on before that. lady you are 45 not 5 it's not cute just lame. i'm willing to bet that she also owns an embroidered mickey mouse denim shirt and bedazzled crocks.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

busy and proud

Quick update: Life has been rather busy lately, especially work. I have gained additional responsibilities without losing any others, don't you love it when that happens? Unfortunately it's because they had to lay a few people off. Thankfully I am very excited about my new responsibilities. I will now be running a weekend long camp for kids who have MS this summer. This is right up my alley and it kind of makes me want to get up and dance.

Well ok a new lover could probably only make you that excited but you get the point. and if you haven't seen 500 days of summer you should it's great. i've seen it twice.

I'm also in charge of family programming and scholarships. I wrote all of the bios for last years recipients (except the first 5) and created this website:

I am good at my job. It feels good to say that because for most of the time I've worked here I haven't felt like I was. I think being so bogged down with family things was the largest culprit of that. I'm still sad about all of that but I guess with time...

Next weekend I am going to New Zealand and Australia with my friend Alysha and I will be spending Christmas in Germany. Lot's of travel ahead! 

p.s. Everything I do just came on Pandora. Still makes my 7th grade heart swoon.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

iranian funk. who knew?

UPDATED: ok. well. hurumph. i was trying to make this post really cool so you could actually just listen to the music...turns out that's beyond my capabilities. here's the lame old link. BLERG!
pretty fantastic right?!
i've been having a love affair with npr for about three months now. it's going splendidly. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

it's like this and like that and like this and uh

When drunk undie clad Yeltsin went to White House searching for pizza!

Russia News.Net
Tuesday 22nd September, 2009 (ANI)
Washington, Sep.22 : Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin got so drunk during a 1995 visit to Washington that Secret Service agents found him a few hundred feet from the White House clad only in his underwear and trying to hail a cab. He later explained that he wanted a pizza.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The D

I went to Detroit to visit CC. I had fun.

I almost died.

But it was worth it.

I saw a magic bus.

I saw CC climb things.

I saw CC get wet.

And all the while Billy D. watched over us.

I went to Lake Michigan. 
And accepted that sometimes I'm wrong and next time wont settle for this as my sunset picture.

I learned about the birds and the bees.

We posed as nervous freshman, participated in a scavenger hunt and learned everything there is to know about the Michigan library instead of seeing Ann Arbor.

The duck was worth it.

We had fun.
With this post I learned to edit in HTML because blogger and pictures is annoying as all get out. 

la fin.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

hubble and beatles

if i was an inanimate object i would want to be the hubble telescope.

today the remastered versions of the beatle's albums were released, both in mono and stereo. i heard a bit of a remastered "dear prudence" yesterday...absolutely smashing. 

Monday, August 31, 2009


so i have to give a 20 minute tribute to my mom at my grief group on tuesday (9/1). i don't want to do it at all. what i want to do is pick something up crash it to the floor and storm out in protest. but alas as an "adult" that kind of behavior is deemed unseemly and thus i feel constrained by dictates to not follow my desires.

anyway. my mom wrote each of us kids (there are four of us) journals because she was poor in health and didn't know if she would be allowed to see us grown. the first entry of mine is actually written 8 days before i was born. i didn't get it until after she died, i've read through some of it but haven't been able to get through all of it. all this to say, as i was browsing through it today i found this poem..

To my four children               March 23, 1984 (which is my parent's wedding anniversary)
You were not born to feel sorrow 
for a mother not whole of body--
My spirit is whole, and overflows with love.
I cannot mourn for myself,
for I was born with purpose.

I morn for you, 
for the pain you must suffer, 
in my behalf.
I feel mortal weekness, fear, and pain.
but it's you,
you, fill my every thought.

My hope in life,
to be a mother,
has been granted, and more,
for I gave birth to you,
and I've been blessed,
in knowing you.

My eyes fill with tears, 
as I plead for life,
No mother could love more deeply--
My pleas grow stronger,
though I know this pain won't last.
Yet, I plead to raise you to maturity.

Life beyond will be more splendid.
We've talked of streets paved in gold, 
and being together eternally,
but this life holds beauty, too,
for in this life
I gave birth to you.
--Judi Jordan

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Year: Judi Barlow Jordan

senior portrait 1963

wedding day March 22, 1968

Birthday: August 27, 2005
(not much happened between 1968 & least not digitally)

When I was younger my mom would make fudge Easter eggs for friends, neighbors and us. Everything hand made. Everything decorated by hand. In 2006 I made her make them with me. These are probably some of the last images I have of her because the MS was really starting to physically change her appearance. Every time I was home I'd take pictures of her but to be honest they weren't very flattering and thus got deleted. Even though she would kill me for posting these, I can't not because all I see now is an extremely beautiful woman whom I miss terribly.

think her eyes are amazing in this picture. I could stare at them all day.

Finished product.

Mom and me.


I love folk music. This album is extremely enjoyable. It's a live recording, if I would have been there in person I would have been transfixed. Listen to the whole album for free here: ...This is not a request.

Friday, August 14, 2009


1) Amy and Mike are the best.

2) While driving home from Moorpark tonight I noticed all of the skid marks on the 405. Each of these skid marks has a story...what are they? Most of them have a similar beginning, an uttered "OH SHIT!" but I'm curious where it went from there. These aren't just inconsequential doodles drawn out of boredom they are marks of the fragile state of the human existence. For some it's a mark of "phew that was close." For others it's of deep gratitude for the opportunity to live another day. For others it's a mark of deep tragedy. For some it is the last physical mark they created in this life...

3) Then I got home and ate a banana (thanks jenni). I love bananas. What I love more are banana splits. There used to be a restaurant in Visalia called the Velvet Creamery. The name always has and always will make my mouth water. Such a delicious name. I have fond memories of it being the height of a Visalia summer, 115 degrees outside, me inside the Velvet Creamery nursing a banana split and shivering while I did so. I've always tended to get cold while I eat or drink cold things.

There was also one time when a bunch of ladies came to clean our home and my dad snuck me out of the house to get a banana split at Fosters Freeze. That was a good night.
Those are my thoughts for these evening. Completely random? Yes. That's how my mind works so get used to it. Now I'm off to fall asleep watching Clueless.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


I love the moon. It's so beautiful and for me always a reminder of the existence of God.

This is a beautiful picture but...

Not as beautiful as the one I took tonight. :) Look close you can see the craters. No? Maybe with a magnifying glass? Or you're just blind and dumb & there is no use in trying.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


When I was a kid I loved carousels. They no longer hold the same magic for me that they once did. No longer is it a mythical adventure on my magic steed (the land or sea variety). No, now it's just perpetual circular destination, you end where you begin. I feel that's what my life is right now and I'd like to get off of the ride.

Most nights I sigh with relief, "ahhh got through that day." Then I realize that it will all start over again the next day...perpetual circular motion...I hate it.

I want change but what?? That's the question(s) I don't know the answer to. When I was fed up with my old job I had a list of dream ideals for my new job, I don't have that this time. There are only three things I know I want and routinely fantasize about.

1. Marriage
2. Motherhood
3. Living in Western Europe for at least 2 years

I have no idea how to make these things happen. Well except #2, I am an expert on the kama sutra afterall. I'm just not willing to do it without #1, I blame Mormonism 101 for that.

by the way, i took the above picture.

Friday, July 17, 2009

What a week.

Last Saturday, July 11th, started out quite lovely with a bike ride and frolicking at the beach. The fun continued that night with improv at Upright Citizens Brigade and dinner at Birds for Chelsea's birthday. Then this happened:

A guy going 30-40 mph ran a red light and slammed right into us...I don't think he ever even hit the brakes. I saw it coming but couldn't process everything in time to warn Chelsea, the most I could get out was, "car" and then I braced myself for impact . A few seconds went by (felt like an eternity) with nothing happening and I honestly began to think, "maybe he'll miss us" and then BAM. I felt the whole side of the car caving in. I couldn't move at all for 20 to 30 seconds after because I hurt too much, which again was scary. Thank goodness for side air bags.

One of the cops teasingly said he spent $15,000.00 on his teeth (don't recall how this came up in conversation). I then accused him of vying for a spot on the next recruitment poster.

I then asked him if I could get in his back seat. What can I say his teeth were pretty brilliant and I can never pass up a photo op.

The night ended with Katie patiently waiting with me at Cedars Sinai. I left with a neck brace and prescriptions for vicodin, ibuprofen and a muscle relaxant. I really wanted to ask Katie to take a picture of me with my neck brace on but didn't want her to think I was a photo whore.

By the way, no worries everyone, I am fine. By now even my two chipped teeth have been taken care of.

The rest of this week has been spent at building a biplane, at doctors appointments and I started my massage class, which I loved.

I am exhausted.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

thank you bobby brown

An actual exchange I had at a club tonight:

guy: "where are you going?"
me: "over there."
guy: "why?"
me: "it's my prerogative."

Thursday, June 25, 2009


To the people of Iran.
I support you and am proud of you. I am a firm believer in the right to protest. Thank you for your demonstrations and protests. Thank you for providing me an opportuinty to get to know you and your country a little bit better. I hope the violence may end soon and that you will one day feel you have received what you are asking for.

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