Tuesday, November 17, 2009

an interaction

i was at a health fair at the va in long beach today. i had a lot of interesting interactions. below you will find some excerpts.

1st situation:

two security guards (both young men) insist on bringing me a slice of carrot cake. i take one bite, it's not very good so i don't eat any more. they walk by again and start giving me a hard time for not eating it. they walk away one comes back.

security guard: "yeah when ever people offer me cake i try to say no because you know it's just not good for you. i've really noticed the effects that stuff has on me too. last night i ran 1.5 miles and man towards the end of it could really see the impact of that stuff [sweets] because it gets rough and i want to die."

me: (in my thoughts) pfftt 1.5 miles. i ran 3.5 miles yesterday, so don't try to impress me with your 1.5 miles.

the security guards walk away and the woman at the table across from me, the same table that was serving the cake, says "those two [the security guards] are always together and they think they are the shit."

second situation

a 65 year old african american man wearing an olive colored polyester suite and a gold chain sees me throwing my mostly uneaten cake away.

man: "why aren't you eatin' that cake? watchin' your figure?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "someone has to."
man: "it looks good to me."
me: "well i want to keep it that way."
man: "are there other people watchin' your figure?"
me: give no response. the man continues to stand next to my chair, neither of us saying anything.
man: "what's your name?"
me: "tiffany. what's your name?"
man: "008"
silence
me: "why is that your nickname?"
man: no answer
me: "is it because you are slightly better than 007?"
silence
man: "you single?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "i haven't found him yet."
man:  gives me a look like that says men are crazy because i haven't been scooped me up yet."i need to give them my glasses."
me: "yes. you should sell them."
man: "a heisman. they don't recognize a heisman when they see one."
me: "nope"
man: "i know a heisman when i see one. you're beautiful. you're a beautiful woman. you don't know how beautiful you are."
me: "thank you"
man: "i don't even have those glasses and i see that."
me: no response and lots of me awkwardly looking away and trying to start conversations with other people. then a list of questions get thrown at me.
man: "you work out? How often?"
        "where you live?"
        "you work here [at the va]?"
        "when did you graduate ucla?"
        "what was your major?"
me: "history"
man: "tell me something about my history?"
me: "um...you worked for the city."
man: looks slightly surprised. "did i tell you that?"
me: "nope" but he did.
man: "can i call you some time?" he starts to take out his phone.
me: "no"
man: "will you call me sometime?"
me: "no"
man: "so i can't call you & you wont call me?"
me: "no"
man: "you are a heart breaker." (this comment comes from a previous conversation between us in which i told him i was a heart breaker.) "why you gotta break my heart? I just put it back together a few months ago & now you are breaking it again."
me: (trying desperately not to say sorry because there is no reason for me to.) finally i say, "didn't intend to."

man has to leave for an appointment. i say "nice talking with you." and shake his hand. MISTAKE. he grabs it, holds tight and caresses it with his thumb.

yes that's right the brothers love me. which once again is why i thought the man in detroit was hitting on me instead of threatening to kill me.

can i get married now.

3 comments:

AmyJune said...

oh if only you had a video of that interaction. I cringed the whole time.

Renee said...

"is that because you are slightly better than double oh seven"?

GENIUS.

johnny said...

now i have "heart breaker" stuck in my head. thanks a lot.

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