Tuesday, November 24, 2009


If the world really did implode in 2012 and you were in charge of determining what got destroyed, what would you destroy?

I would destroy:

1) Fox News
2) All the cars in LA except my car and my friend's cars because driving people around everywhere would get really annoying. Since we would be the only ones with cars we would all quit our jobs and start a cab company, all the roads are still intact. We would be wildly successful but a few years down the road everything would fall apart because of all the infighting. Eventually a Lifetime movie would be made and Renee would be happy.
3) Luxembourg

Friday, November 20, 2009

things that F-word-ING piss me off.

  1. dick cheney: his parents really did a great job at naming him correctly. 
  2. idiots who expound on how we could have won vietnam, making the implication that us losing the war is what made it wrong; as long as you win a war you are in the right, right? F-word NO. idiots. we should have never been there in the first place, win lose it doesn't matter if you are sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. the creation of a north and south vietnam would have been great though, just like in korea because that's working out rather swimmingly. Here is a great article by Senator John Kerry: http://www.newsweek.com/id/221623
  3. people who complain about unfair taxation and applaud the 32% raise in tuition at UCs when they went to byu. pot. kettle.  i'm going to be calling you and asking for a portion of my tithing back. 
  4. everything about the executor of my parent's "estate". you know how it's commonly stated that in english the word "love" isn't adequate for expressing the true depth and breadth of that emotion? i feel the same thing about hate when it comes to this man.
  5. getting two pieces of mail: one being the i want to stab you inducing "closing the estate letter" the other from Smart Cremation. i will reprint for you the first paragraph of the letter.
                        Dear Ms. Jordan,
                        As difficult as it is, sometimes we owe it to ourselves and to those we love to face the truth.                                   Dying is part of life. Death, is what makes our lives so precious, exquisite and magnificent.

really?! f-word you. happy friday!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

an interaction

i was at a health fair at the va in long beach today. i had a lot of interesting interactions. below you will find some excerpts.

1st situation:

two security guards (both young men) insist on bringing me a slice of carrot cake. i take one bite, it's not very good so i don't eat any more. they walk by again and start giving me a hard time for not eating it. they walk away one comes back.

security guard: "yeah when ever people offer me cake i try to say no because you know it's just not good for you. i've really noticed the effects that stuff has on me too. last night i ran 1.5 miles and man towards the end of it could really see the impact of that stuff [sweets] because it gets rough and i want to die."

me: (in my thoughts) pfftt 1.5 miles. i ran 3.5 miles yesterday, so don't try to impress me with your 1.5 miles.

the security guards walk away and the woman at the table across from me, the same table that was serving the cake, says "those two [the security guards] are always together and they think they are the shit."

second situation

a 65 year old african american man wearing an olive colored polyester suite and a gold chain sees me throwing my mostly uneaten cake away.

man: "why aren't you eatin' that cake? watchin' your figure?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "someone has to."
man: "it looks good to me."
me: "well i want to keep it that way."
man: "are there other people watchin' your figure?"
me: give no response. the man continues to stand next to my chair, neither of us saying anything.
man: "what's your name?"
me: "tiffany. what's your name?"
man: "008"
me: "why is that your nickname?"
man: no answer
me: "is it because you are slightly better than 007?"
man: "you single?"
me: "yes"
man: "why?"
me: "i haven't found him yet."
man:  gives me a look like that says men are crazy because i haven't been scooped me up yet."i need to give them my glasses."
me: "yes. you should sell them."
man: "a heisman. they don't recognize a heisman when they see one."
me: "nope"
man: "i know a heisman when i see one. you're beautiful. you're a beautiful woman. you don't know how beautiful you are."
me: "thank you"
man: "i don't even have those glasses and i see that."
me: no response and lots of me awkwardly looking away and trying to start conversations with other people. then a list of questions get thrown at me.
man: "you work out? How often?"
        "where you live?"
        "you work here [at the va]?"
        "when did you graduate ucla?"
        "what was your major?"
me: "history"
man: "tell me something about my history?"
me: "um...you worked for the city."
man: looks slightly surprised. "did i tell you that?"
me: "nope" but he did.
man: "can i call you some time?" he starts to take out his phone.
me: "no"
man: "will you call me sometime?"
me: "no"
man: "so i can't call you & you wont call me?"
me: "no"
man: "you are a heart breaker." (this comment comes from a previous conversation between us in which i told him i was a heart breaker.) "why you gotta break my heart? I just put it back together a few months ago & now you are breaking it again."
me: (trying desperately not to say sorry because there is no reason for me to.) finally i say, "didn't intend to."

man has to leave for an appointment. i say "nice talking with you." and shake his hand. MISTAKE. he grabs it, holds tight and caresses it with his thumb.

yes that's right the brothers love me. which once again is why i thought the man in detroit was hitting on me instead of threatening to kill me.

can i get married now.

Monday, November 9, 2009

can you tell me how to get...

On November 10th Sesame Street will begin their 40th season. Sesame I haven't watched you in awhile but if you are still this cool keep it up because this is EXACTLY the kind of education I want my kids to have. For your betterment, watch the kid at 0:38 and 4:11.

Monday, November 2, 2009


i just signed up for what seems to be an extremely cool volunteer opportunity and i think you should join too. It's called In2Books http://in2books.epals.com/login.aspx?ReturnUrl=/default.aspx. Basically it's a pen pal/book club between you and a student in elementary school.

you are matched up with a child who is either in the 3rd, 4th or 5th grade you both read the same books, picked by the child, through out the school year and then  you write letters to each other about them. seriously could this opportunity be any cooler? i love to read. i love kids. i love being worshiped or a role model, whatever you want to call it.

SIGN UP NOW! they are taking applications throughout the month of november.
facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111486578993&v=wall&ref=mf

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