gaping hole

When I was younger and my siblings would come home from college for the weekend/breaks/holidays I would get so excited. On the flip side when they left I would start bawling. No matter how much I tried to stop it I couldn't. I have a hard time saying goodbyes.

Most of you know that both of my parents have passed away and it feels like there is a big gaping hole in my heart and in my life. Losing both of them is something I anticipated for quite some time and tried my best to prepare for it but I never thought it would be this hard.

I've always been a fan of time, no matter what you do it just keeps on going. That aspect of time always brought me such relief and comfort. No longer do I feel this way. Time has become an enemy. The more time passes the more people I lose and the more time continues to pass the more people I'm going to lose. This bit of reality makes everything in me want to shut down. Oh but good ol' Father Time doesn't stop there not only does he steal people but he steals your memories. I realized this week that I don't remember what my dad's laugh sounds like. How can I not remember such an integral part of him? I feel like I'm betraying him.

How could they both be gone? I don't understand it. I can't comprehend it. I look at pictures of them and I am just baffled. It's so confusing to look at pictures of people who lived on this Earth, who created lives and a family and then they are just gone. You can't call them on the phone, you can't ask them for advice or seek comfort from them, you don't have a home to go to. When you wonder where a certain picture, artifact, book etc is and realize it's probably at your parent's house but you can't go and get it because everything's been cleared out. If I or my siblings aren't in possession of it then it's gone forever because everything else has been thrown away. How can two people's lives disappear so quickly?

I was going to attach a picture but don't know what happened to the one digitized photo I had of them.

cannabi

perhapse this movie needs to be re-released with all this talk of legalizing mj.

RAISINS!!!

I die laughing everytime.

http://www.thesneeze.com/2007/raisins-2007.php

it's educational

*WARNING* some of you might not like this entry.

Whenever I can't sleep I pop an ambien. Sleeping is not one of my many talents...I struggle with it A LOT. This past Sunday I knew a restless sleepless night was upon me so I gulp down an ambien, curl up under the covers and drift off into blissful sleep. 

The next morning I awake to a blank Netflix watch instantly screen on my computer. I had no recollection of watching anything. No big deal. Most nights I put something on as I fall asleep in order to zone out and help quite my mind.

Monday night rolls around and I begin my ritual of watching something on Netflix. The opening screen comes on and I see this on the previously viewed:

 "huh?" I think to myself

THEN THE MEMORIES COME FLOODING BACK 

I now remember searching Netflix for something to watch. When I saw this show I thought, "I want to learn about that."

I mean come on who doesn't want to know the secrets to the art of love? 

I didn't remember much beyond that so I click on it. Again. More memories come flooding back. Especially this one refrain, "It's not porn. It's educational." 

The kicker. It has less than two stars. Apparently after all that I'm not even well educated.

cannabis

i take lots of calls at work. this is just one of them.

lady: i'd like information on the use of cannabis. i'm having strange side effects and want to know if that's normal.  blah blah blah.  she had a lot to say but i'd stopped listening. i've gotten very good at knowing what i need to listen to and what i don't.

me: well is it prescribed by your doctor?

lady (with attitude): *snort* no. it's illegal.

me (thought in my head): not in california idiot. 

me: what side effects are you experiencing? who am i speaking with?

lady (again with attitude): *scoff* i'm not giving you my name.

me (in my head): lady you are paranoid. i wouldn't care if you were smoking crack. i only want your name so i can get credit for taking this call. 

me: what side effects do you feel you are experiencing?

lady: blah blah blah

i gave her the information i had and offered to email it to help keep her privacy.

lady: i've done research on the websites and nothing addresses what i'm experiencing. i've had MS for a long time, i don't take any drugs for it and my MS doesn't really bother me. i don't view cannabis as a medication.

me: so then why did you start taking cannabis?????

this lady is an idiot for the following reasons:

1. she gave me attitude right off the bat. if you are seeking advice and knowledge from someone DON'T give them attitude.

2. if you are in fact using cannabis for the reasons you outlined than it is in fact a medication.

3. she started taking an illegal drug (turns out she lives in nyc) and is paranoid about it. 

4. she started using cannabis to address symptoms that are common side effects of MS without researching it or any other treatment possibilities, including legal drugs and alternative therapies.

5. again she is paranoid about it which means she is unwilling to talk to her doctor or any other professional making it impossible for her to really know how all of this is affecting HER. you can research the interweb all you want but the fact of the matter is IT doesn't know your medical history. IT can't tell you what is your MS, what is the cannabis or if it's something completely unrelated or not. 

the points of this lesson:

if cannabis makes you feel better go for it but at least know what you are getting into. fyi this applies for all medical treatments you are considering.

don't give me attitude. 

sometimes i start out a post thinking it's going to be funny and it turns into a rant. i'm going to go take a hit and revisit this post...maybe then it will be funny. 

glee

Perusing through the stuff saved on our dvr and I come across "Glee". A friend had just mentioned it so I decided to watch. umm....it's FANTASTIC! I lol'ed, grinned like Fat Albert getting a second piece of cake, happy emotions were had. I even felt, shall I say (and I shall) gleeful. The kicker: they sang Journey throughout!! They had me at "you make me weak..."

Here's the pilot. Watch it. Love it. Be gleeful.

new hobby

My friend Alysha is teaching me about photography. I had my first photo shoot tonight, I was in heaven the whole time! Here are my favorites.